For that matter, WTF is a Hoosier?

#2 Michigan Wolverines

v.


#15 Indiana Hoosiers

Wolverines

Description: A large, land-dwelling nasty smelling weasel, also commonly known as a skunkbear.

Weapons: Powerful jaws, claws.

Advantages: A thick hide, and no fear of even much larger animals.

Disadvantages: No fear of even much larger animals.

Hoosier

Description: A hillbilly, basically?

Weapons: pitchfork, rifle, shotgun

Advantages: Not known for intelligence per se, but at least moderately more intelligent than your average animal. Some hunting experience.

Disadvantages: Clumsiness or awkwardness.

The Fight
The Hoosier heads out looking for some grub, rifle in hand. Just as he gets to the edge of the forest, he sees what he thinks is a skunk (by the nasty smell), and shoots it, hoping to get something to eat with his corn for dinner. As he fires, he steps into a gopher hole, and takes a chunk out of a tree, pissing off the varmint. Hobbling on a twisted ankle, the Hoosier turns back towards the barn, hoping to get some ice for his swelling ankle.
The wolverine, none too happy about nearly being shot, and chases after the unwary Hoosier. Just as the Hoosier gets to the door of his barn, the wolverine pounces on the Hoosier, who grabs his pitchfork as he is taken to the ground. He tries to stab the nasty smelling pest, but scratches over the thick hide, in the process skewering his own left arm. Howling in pain, he leaps to his feet while the wolverine continues to tear at the Hoosier's throat. The Hoosier tries to drown the wolverine in the nearby trough, but instead he slips and falls into the thresher, taking the tenacious Wolverine with him.

Winner
Both sides destroyed, forfeit the next round.

WTF is a Crimson Tide, anyway?

#1 Alabama Crimson Tide

v.


#16 Air Force Falcons

Crimson Tide

Description: Red mud. I can't blame them for deciding to dress up an elephant instead of some guy covered in mud, but they aren't the Alabama Pachyderms.

Weapons: Ummm.... dirtiness?

Advantages: ???

Disadvantages: It's mud.

Falcon


Description: A Falcon.

Weapons: Two talons and a beak.

Advantages: Flight - the dive and retreat form of attack can really be annoying.

Disadvantages: Size - falcons are large for birds, but still are by their very nature lightweight, with weak bone structures.
Intelligence - they are base animals, with little more than instinct to guide them.

The Fight
The Falcon flaps its wings, and the mud dries up.


Winner
The Falcon

Round 1 . . . Fight!

#1 Notre Dame Fightin' Irish

v.
#16 Boston College Eagles


The Leprechaun

Description: A mighty pissed-off leprechaun with a golden dome to protect at the end of the rainbow.

Weapons: Usually just bare hands and pent-up fury. Sometimes they fight with a shillelagh, though.

Advantages: Very elusive - it is said that he cannot escape if you keep your eye on him, but the moment the eyes are withdrawn, he vanishes.
Cunning - he will outwit his opponents through trickery and obfuscation, often lulling them with their own greed
Camouflage - the green outfit is actually credited to their need to hide themselves from hostile humans.
Magic - it is unclear exactly what magical gifts leprechauns have, but the consensus seems to be that the magical abilities are used to aid their mischief by creating confusion in their enemy.

Disadvantages: Stature - actually one of the faerie folk of Irish mythology, they are very small in size.


Eagle


Description: An American bald eagle.

Weapons: Two talons and a beak.

Advantages: Flight - the dive and retreat form of attack can really be annoying.

Disadvantages: Size - eagles are large for birds, but still are by their very nature lightweight, with weak bone structures.
Intelligence - they are base animals, with little more than instinct to guide them.

The Fight

The Eagle would swoop in, attempting to grab the Leprechaun with its talons and carry it away and peck it to death with its beak. The battle at first looks like it is going to plan, but when the eagle grabs the Lephrechaun and looks away, suddenly the cunning Leprechaun disappears and rematerializes on the back of the Eagle. As soon as the Eagle is close to landing, the Leprechaun viciously bludgeons the Eagle to death with his bare hands, having dropped his Shillelagh upon the initial attack.
Bruised and bloody, the Leprechaun emerges victorious.

Winner

The Leprechaun

Sidebar, your honor...

Inspired by a CBS Sportsline feature on mascots, I got to thinking about how mascots would actually fare against each other in a mortal cage match. I thought this would be a nice thoughtless diversion from law school finals, so I'm doing a multi-part tournament, Celebrity Death Match style, of top college mascots. (sorry, Irish fans, but the spring analysis has been shelved until after finals - too much work to do)

I disagreed with many of the seedings of the mascots in the CBS version and the omission of several teams, so I decided to create my own 32 team bracket, with traditional Irish opponents and historically successful programs (plus Indiana, because I can), seeded according to the team's historical ranking from College Football Data Warehouse, and roughly separated into North and South.

Here is the preliminary bracket:

North

1 Notre Dame Fightin' Irish
16 Boston College Eagles

2 Michigan Wolverines
15 Indiana Hoosiers

3 Ohio State Buckeyes
14 Navy Midshipmen

4 Nebraska Cornhuskers
13 Colorado Buffaloes

5 Tennessee Volunteers
12 Purdue Boilermakers

6 Penn State Nittany Lions
11 Army Black Knights

7 Pittsburgh Panthers
10 Stanford Cardinal

8 Washington Huskies
9 Michigan State Spartans

South

1 Alabama Crimson Tide
16 Air Force Falcons

2 USC Trojans
15 Southern Methodist Mustangs

3 Oklahoma Sooners
14 North Carolina Tarheels

4 Texas Longhorns
13 UCLA Bruins

5 LSU Tigers
12 Florida State Seminoles

6 Georgia Tech Yellowjackets
11 Texas A&M Aggies

7 Georgia Bulldogs
10 Auburn Tigers

8 Miami Hurricanes
9 Florida Gators

Each matchup will be broken down in individual posts during study breaks throughout finals week. Stay tuned.

The morning after...

What the hell was I thinking?





Analysis of the Blue-Gold game and last week's coaching clinic and practice are forthcoming...

The Final Tailgater

This Friday is the big shindig celebrating the final 30 days of law school, and yours truly is hosting it.

It promises to be one of the biggest parties I've ever thrown (a close second to my wedding) and should be memorable.

I have been promised that at least one former Notre Dame football player will make an appearance (even if Kevin Carretta doesn't have the same cache as Joe Montana, he's still a winner in my book).

If you know me and you would like the details (or if you are really famous and would like the details) please e-mail me at FinalTailgater@hotmail.com (yes, I created a new e-mail address just so this doesn't clutter up my inbox)

Rest in Peace, friend

Ryan Rudd, 31, passed away on Saturday evening after a brief battle with cancer. He was a classmate and was supposed to graduate with me in May. He was a promising young lawyer, a member of Law Review and well-liked by all of his classmates and friends.

Please say a prayer for Ryan's family and the rest of the law school community as we grieve this tragic loss.

UPDATE:

Ryan Rudd's funeral mass will be celebrated at Most Pure Heart of Mary Catholic Church in Crestline, Ohio on Thursday.

Ryan's obituary is available here.

Also, Ryan's Juris Doctor degree will be awarded posthumuosly at commencement ceremonies on May 20, 2007.